How Far
by The Cliffhanger Girl
Summary: Everyone fears being pushed to their painful limits and you know what? When it actually happens, it hurts more than you could ever imagine.


Hey guys! So, not much to say besides thank Martina McBride for this one-shot. Her song "How Far" Inspired me to write this.

A Special Thanks To My Beta Reader-SomeoneNamedLiz who changed her name from lizzzxx0

Also, thanks for all the positive reviews I've been getting. They keep me going; I love you guys so much! :D You really make my day a bit brighter each time I read a review!

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><p><em><strong>How Far<strong>_

_**If we discovered that we had only five minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling other people to stammer that they loved them.**_

**CLARE'S PERSPECTIVE**

"Yes Clare, Jesus I'll be home in a fucking hour, stop calling me," he whined on the other end of the line as if I was his mother giving him another boring chore to do.

I sighed and saved myself the heart ache by just closing my cell phone before I got myself too worked up.

**Like I always did.**

He always picked a fight with me, always tried to get me worked up for no reason. But, that's what he was good at and that's what he's always been good at.

Who would have known that my husband for two years was just as bad as all of his enemies? Who would have known that when I vowed the two words 'I do' I regret not saying 'I can't'?

**Regret.**

Regret is the one feeling that pumps through my veins at all times and always hits my heart the hardest.

**Heart.**

When I was a kid my mother always told me that my heart was the most special part of my body. My mother told me that it was the one thing that someone will have control of, someone special will control it. She told me that any guy would be lucky enough to have me in his life.

**Lucky.**

I haven't had much _"luck"_ since I had my first baby boy at the age of twenty eight. Daniel, my youngest son turned five today and his father wasn't here to celebrate at his birthday party that I had threw all by myself in the backyard with his friends from kindergarten.

**Eli told me he had to work over time.**

It's July fourth and nobody except my husband had to work "overtime" at his job.

**Lies.**

The one thing that Eli constantly feeds me as his substitution of being absent at every dinner meal missed, every family meeting missed, every soccer game missed and every birthday party missed, is lies.

"Mommy! Mommy! Tell Daniel to come out of the bathroom!" My youngest daughter, Abigail screamed out from the upstairs bathroom.

I shook my head, snapped back into reality and wiped that tears that were shed from ungrateful memories that I did not want to remember. Sometimes, I gaze out into the sky or into the emptiness hoping for an answer to this pain that he's putting me through.

**I smiled.**

Smiling, the one thing that is not forced which only my children can have the power of making me do truthfully.

"What's wrong honey?" I asked while bending down to her eye level.

She smiled, looking at me with her piercing green eyes and whispered, "I think he's crying mommy."

"Alright sweet heart, go play with your toys in your room and I'll be in soon to tuck you in. I'll take care of Daniel, don't worry," I told her as I kissed the top of her head and she smiled while gripping her favorite teddy bear in response.

"Go ahead, don't worry," I pressed a gentle hand on her back and she walked off while letting out a playful giggle.

**Hoping.**

The one thing that I hope and pray for everyday is that I will never have to lie to my children, ever.

It's one thing that I'm being lied to by the man that I'm crazy in love with, I just don't want my children taking after him in that department because I don't think I could handle seeing more than one liar in this house.

**Depression.**

When I opened the door to the bathroom, I witnessed my son who was holding his feet up to his chest while crying hysterically.

I bit my lip, shook my head slightly and almost started to cry as I watched my son's tears drip lazily onto his shirt. I watched as his tiny body shook from the emotional state that he was in.

"What's wrong Danny?" I asked cornered.

I knew what was wrong and the second I asked my son that question, I didn't want to hear the answer once again.

**It hurts too much.**

"Daddy doesn't love me anymore," his words were muffled since his head was buried in his lap.

**He might not love me anymore, but he loves these kids more than he could form it into words.**

I brought my son into my arms, caressed him as his limp hands wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"Danny, your daddy loves you so much," I whispered and smiled because when my son had curled his hands into tiny fists it reminded me of Eli. He always did that when he cried or…when he was about to beat someone up.

"If he loves me so much then why wasn't he here, on my birthday?" He asked and I sighed in response.

I smiled and said, "He'll be home any minute and we can have a family party. We can get the cake out again and sing happy birthday and-."

Daniel cut me off by stand up and he whimpered, "It's not the same."

**God, these kids were too smart.**

When I went to grab his arm to embrace him in a hug he whined, "If he loves me so much then he should have been here today mommy. He didn't even try to come early like he usually does."

I sighed and before I could talk to him, he got up and ran into his and Abigail's room.

Before I could catch up with him he had shut the door in my face.

"Danny, honey, open the door," I said while playing with the knob knowing that Eli taught him the old 'when you're mad just put your desk chair up against the doorknob' trick.

I sighed as tears streamed down my face.

"Go away and don't come back unless daddy's with you!" Daniel screeched as I just walked away from the door, giving him space.

**Walking Away.**

Every day I get up and say "today's the day I'll leave him", yet I never have enough will power to leave the man that I am hopelessly in love with.

**It's easier said than done.**

After two hours of listening to the emptiness that surrounded me in the living room, I heard the door open which was followed by the clank of his keys hitting the table. I slowly stood up and made my way over to the front door.

As he was removing his shoes, I spotted a teddy bear and card in his hand.

"Hey Clare, listen I'm sorry about what happened on the phone before I was just-," he was cut off when he leaned up to press his lips to mine and I moved my face to the side to let his cold, rough lips press up against my cheek.

"What's wrong?" His question hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest.

I crossed my arms and shook my head, "What's wrong with you, Eli? That's the question here."

**Screaming.**

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CLARE? I went two extra miles out of my fucking way to buy this present for Danny and this stupid card that I had to make out on the way home as you were constantly calling me," his voice got higher towards the end to spite me.

**He was blaming me.**

I laughed and rolled my eyes, "You know what I did today Eli? I threw a party for our son that was at least six hours of twenty five year olds running around and making the birthday cake and the presents I bought him in which I said you bought half of them and plus you not being there for him. You want to go see what you're doing to your kids Eli?"

He gulped and pointed a finger at me, "Don't turn on me Clare, I didn't do anything wrong."

"Anything wrong, Danny was crying in the bathroom for nearly fifteen minutes and who knows how long since he put the dang chair up against the door knob which prevented me from getting in. You made him cry Eli! YOU! Not me, not Abigail, YOU!" I screamed at him and he clenched his eyes shut.

When he opened them, a tear fell.

**He was sorry.**

"Why are you crying?" I asked him pathetically.

He sighed and whispered, "I'm sorry that I can't be the best dad or number one husband of the year. I'm sorry I can't be at the same place at the same time all the time! I'm sorry that I can't be the guy who you married."

I shook my head and said, "You had this coming Eli. You're never home, ever. What do you expect me to tell the kids when they turn old enough to understand what you're really doing?"

**He laughed.**

"You think this is funny? You think that you cheating on me is fucking funny Eli?" I screamed at him as he opened his bag and turned it upside down and I watched his papers fly onto the ground.

"If I was fucking cheating on you then you would fucking know Clare. I've been working on this shit for the past three months and I'm still not done," he whispered as his chest rose up and down.

I glared at the papers beneath my feet.

**Maybe he was telling the truth.**

"Clare, I would never, ever cheat on you. Why would you think that?" He asked me as the green eyes I had been staring at had become blurry from his tears.

He wrapped his arms around me as I moved my hand up and tried to push him off of me but he only gripped me tighter and after giving up the fight, I hugged him back. I held onto him as tightly as I could.

"I love you Clare, I would never hurt you like that," he whispered in my ear and his cool breath put me at ease.

I didn't respond but only shook slightly against his chest from my erratic heartbeat. My heart was pounding out of my chest from the feeling of relief that spread throughout my body.

**Apologies.**

Apologies are the one thing that always comes at the end of a fight.

No matter how many times I question our marriage, question us ever being together, question my life with Eli, our fights always end in apologies because we both know that at the end of the day, we both need each other.

"I'm so sorry Clare," he whimpered into the crook of my neck.

I nodded and whispered, "I'm sorry for not trusting you."

**Trust.**

Trust, the one thing that was always behind the brick wall that Eli had built up between us and was always hidden from my view.

He smirked as tears flowed down my cheeks and Eli whispered, "I love you Clare and I'm going to prove it to you..."

My heart skipped a beat when he was about to kiss my lips and I heard a giggling chant, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

**Love.**

Before Eli's lips had touched mine, our heads both turned to see our two children who had been propped up on the steps with their heads sticking through the bars on the side of the staircase.

"What are you waiting for dad? Kiss her," Daniel said while smiling and revealing the two teeth that are missing from the front of his mouth.

Eli smirked, glanced at me and I said, "You heard the boy, kiss me."

"Shouldn't you two be in bed?" Eli asked as a suspenseful grin spread across his face.

Our two children giggled for a moment as Abigail tugged on the bear that was in Daniels hands.

Eli smirked and said, "One second."

He bent down to grab the new teddy bear that read "Happy Fifth Birthday!" on the top and then Eli's card that he had written very well on, considering he was driving at the same time he was making it out.

"Here ya' go Danny, Happy Birthday big boy," Eli told him as Danny's face lit up bright red and he wrapped his arms around his father's neck.

He gripped onto him and whispered in his ear, "I knew you loved me daddy!"

**Assurance.**

I'm pretty sure assurance is the one thing that everybody needs to move on or keep moving in the same direction with someone.

Even kids need it from parents sometimes.

"I love you buddy and I always will," Eli said while gripping his son tightly in his arms and Abigail had playfully jumped on Eli's back while screaming "Piggy Back Ride!"

I smiled and said, "You heard the girl, she wants a piggy back ride."

He smirked as Daniel hooked onto Eli's body from the front and Abigail hung from the back of Eli. I smiled as he almost fell while he was halfway up the steps.

"Come on cowboy, keep moving," I said while slapping him in the butt which caused Danny and Abigail to giggle uncontrollably.

**Laughing.**

Everyone needs to laugh sometimes.

No matter how depressing your life is, how tragic something is or how emotionally distraught you are, it's always good to laugh once in a while.

And when you do laugh, make it last.

When Eli plopped our kids down on their beds, I watched as he kissed them goodnight and whispered _'I love you'_ in their ears. They smiled and gripped their stuffed animals in response while pulling the blankets over their heads to block out the light coming from the open door.

**Passion.**

The second Eli closed the door I asked while biting my lip, "Do I get a goodnight kiss?"

Eli laughed while tracing my side and asked, "Depends, where do you want it?"

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Love you guys,

Cliffhanger Girl

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